forum.sickos.net

based on a conversation i had with my therapist today, curious about how frequently people hang out with their friends irl, like, once a week? twice a week?

friends......irl........

it's complicated but the answer is about 1.3 times a week.

i see the friends i've made through the museum every monday on the volunteer work night. then every few weeks i'll get together with one of my few non-museum irl friends.

this depends a lot on the definition of 'friend' that's used. people in my life out of the convenience of circumstance (such as my grad school cohort) that are pleasant enough to interact with, but slot far more tidily into acquaintance? 2-3 times a week, typically lining up with class or departmental meetings. outside of coursework- perhaps once every few months, if i feel up to it. people that i would actually consider my friends? never, due to life circumstances/geographical constraints (online pals are both the best, and simultaneously, the worst.)

my social circles have always been small, (trios or duos at the most) but as ive gotten older, people have gotten busier with obligations, and especially, romantic relationships. (it's kind of lonely as someone who's on the ace spectrum!) i really only speak in passing to my best friend on the daily, and i have a few circles of acquaintances through hobbies i'll speak to 2-3 times a week, but for the most part, i'm spending most of my time on either grad school or my hobbies. ive gotten really deep into crochet, and am trying to get back into writing and game development.

this is in part, circumstances of my own making- i am very disabled, and quite introverted by nature. my hobbies are typically those that can be done alone, and while waylaid by episodes, so they're a bit lonely in of themselves. i find that my hobbies are very fulfilling, but i do miss having a 'default person' in the sense of you two being the first people you think of to share good news with, spend time with, lean on, etc- which has normally come in the guise of romantic relationships, but not always.

part of it is also just my current situation in life- this city is notorious for being quite cold, and difficult to break into the social scene of long established friends: people are always busy, nauseatingly so, and its hard to line up repeat encounters in hopes of making friends. grad school is also a weird and finicky liminal space- my department isn't particularly outgoing (who woulda figured, engineering...)

i am tuckered out pretty easily by spending time in person with people, though, so it's not all bad. my ideal rate of spending time with a friend would be once a week, but honestly? i'm pretty used to doing my own thing. i think its made my life more vibrant and vivid when it comes to the depth and intensity with which i can pursue my hobbies, but i am pretty lonely most of the time. (not for lack of trying, but ive also kind of generally made my peace that this is what adult life is like, and a sense of accomplishment at least fills some of the void.)

belacqua i feel you, though my circumstances are definitely a bit different. ive always trended towards being self centered and the negative things that have gone down because of it have lead me to embrace solitude instead of trying to stay close to people.

recently i embarked on a journey to travel full-time (a lifestyle which many refer to as "vanlife") so my physical location is always changing on a whim. my only real grounded connection that i have outside of my home life is a church that i really like in nevada. but i don't stay in that region all the time so being able to hang out with them is not a constant possibility. i did see them last week, they invited me to an easter party and we all hung out the whole night. it was very good and fulfilling but by the time the next sunday came along, i had felt drawn to go elsewhere. it's nothing personal, im just...HIGHLY nomadic in nature. staying in one place too long induces stress even if there are people and other things there that i quite like. i dont go out of my way to get friendly with people on the road but i do occasionally have some really bright interactions with strangers. i cherish that, and also value the fleeting and non-permanent nature of these moments.

this doesnt mean i walked away from a life full of friends though. my closest connections were all online anyway. i do like my family, and if we werent related, i would still be friends with them. one of my closest family members lives far away but we talk on the phone almost every day. excluding him, i used to see my immediate family every day before departing for life on the road.

outside of that, my relationships have been quite strained. i have lived through a past where i had some horrendous relationships, mostly my fault, and its really hard for me to get and remain close to someone. i dont really trust myself, and to a lesser extent, i dont trust other people either. any time a connection with someone makes me feel emotions, i distance myself. i gravitate towards relationships that would not hurt me much if they went away for some reason. in the last few years ive had some budding local friendships that i neglected for these reasons. i am incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of being in a romantic relationship for the foreseeable future. i wont say "never" but where i am in life now, it would feel incredibly wrong, irresponsible, and forced.

how do i feel about all this? im okay! i value connections that do not induce strong emotions and i have no lack of those. i have mostly accepted an irl lifestyle of solitude, and when i do feel lonely, its usually because i want someone to confide some hard, circumstantial feelings with. honestly i do think a therapist would be beneficial for me, but i really cant afford a therapist that i can communicate with outside of my home state (insurance restrictions)

i remember you! we spoke a bit briefly when i was newer to the tilde- in the IRC chat, i remember being very discombobulated by the interface, but you were friendly and i remember you mentioning the van life travel plans :-) people on the tilde have generally been so nice, i got a lovely email from andrej that i never got around to responding to (spoons, and the perpetual dearth of 'em) but that i read over again occasionally, it was just a bit of encouragement about me feeling sort of mopey about my hobbies at the time and trying to get back into them, and it's just nice. i love holding onto scraps and bits like that

i do hope that you stay safe out there though! i'm glad that you have bright spots on the road and good familial ties. definitely things to be grateful for! i can't imagine it for myself, but the freedom that must come with being able to pick up sticks and meander wherever you please must be a radical shift from the usual everyday humdrum rhythm of things. personally i'm a cozy little creature of habit and circumstance- i'm happiest with my blanket and some pillows curled up into a little ball, and the setting outside doesn't matter all that much: but there is something kind of beautiful about getting to know the local flock of pigeons over the last six, seven? (time is so slippery) years or so. i like the familiarity of their plumage :-)

i'm probably somewhere on the diametric opposite of that way of navigating- i jump in deep and hard with relationships, and love for me has always sort of been the point of life, really: never at all bounded merely by romantic ties, but always, in my friends- and at my best, the world around me- even in my lowest moments, the comfort that i find in the constancy of the art of writing and my love for what has been my dominant means of both understanding the world, and explaining myself to it... love is the reason why i bother to persist, even when things are quite bleak. whether that's a love swaddling someone else up or just for cute little kitties like the bebe i helped rescue last spring... hard to believe he's a year old! (and very happy in his new home, thankfully. grateful to have been a part of his journey and to still get update pictures of my god child occasionally from the new person taking care of him!!) i'd like to be in a romantic relationship, but its really more so the "my default person" aspect i miss- i have a best friend, and she's lovely- but marriage does change things, y'know. i'm glad she's happy, but i'd like a person too!! :-P

i'm glad that you've been able to come to a sense of peace about it, though. that really is the most important thing, at the end of the day- am i living a life that i can live with myself for doing so? at least, that's how i tend to bobble my way through things- and it's anchored me through some rough waters. it sounds distinctly unromantic, but i like to see it as just the opposite- there are so many people in the world. there are so many possible connections to make- all shades of types of relationships, platonic or romantic. love exists out there. and as long as you stick around for it, love'll enter its way into your life in one way or another- tenderly wet toothbrushing a little baby kitten scooped up from the clutches of fate, little daily check ins with my best friend even on sleepy grumpy mondays, a passionate dive and tumble into a project that sweeps me off of my feet, my childhood bestfriend with a tattoo for me that people always ask over since it sticks out so starkly from the rest of his collection, whatever the face of a future lover will be: it's out there! and that in of itself gives me hope, i think :3